Christmas for most people is a time for families, especially children. From the school nativity play to the carol service to the excited anticipation of opening presents – it’s a time of heightened emotions, never more so than for those dealing with the separation from a former spouse or partner.

As a family lawyer I am all too familiar with the year-round difficulties inherent in trying to agree contact arrangements – when and where the children will spend time with which parent – and the added emotional pressure around the festive season, not to mention factoring in the wider families’ desire to spend time with the children, only adds to the stress.

Here are my top tips for a stress-free, and very happy Christmas

Give your children a voice

If the children are old enough to understand your separation, then listen to them. Whether newly separated or long divorced, the difficulties in the relationship are almost always those of the adults, yet it is often the children who are dragged into the middle of the grown-ups arguing, being thoroughly bewildered by the adults’ behaviour and more often than not believing themselves to be to blame for their parents’ upset and anger.

So even if what they say isn’t what you want to hear, (absent any safeguarding concerns) give your children a voice – they may well help you in taking a step back from seething resentment or anger, and open the door to making decisions genuinely based on what’s best for them, rather than trying to punish your ex or grab the children for yourself.

Work with, not against, your ex-partner

For those still smarting from the separation – and I have known people struggle with it for years – it is pretty understandable that a parent in this situation will concentrate on their own wellbeing and try to do whatever they can to protect their damaged emotions.

But it is really important to find a way through this with your ex-partner, especially if the separation is comparatively recent, because the children may well be feeling completely overwhelmed, distressed and confused about their new family circumstances. They need the adults to be adults, and smooth things over so that all can enjoy Christmas.

And be aware that if you and your ex cannot agree and mediation is unsuccessful or not appropriate and the courts are charged with deciding, the matter will be determined in accordance with what is in the child’s best interests. So why not own the decision instead of having it made for you?

Plan ahead

I have known clients who divorced years ago and yet are still determined to punish their ex by making matters as difficult as possible over the festive season. Equally, some families, some years divorced, still celebrate Christmas together – including with current partners – because that is what’s best for the children and saves a great deal of to-ing and fro-ing. If this sounds impossible to you, then, whether or not you and your former partner are on good terms, plan your children’s Christmas together, even if it’s purely via WhatsApp or a parenting app. Aim for a mutual decision about what’s best for everyone. You won’t regret it.

Christmas – twice

If you and your ex live relatively close (it’s up to both of you to decide what is a tolerable distance to drive) then a popular solution is often the children have spent the first half of Christmas Day with one parent, opening their presents and having an early lunch, before being able to spend the afternoon and evening with the other parent.

Some families prefer two “Christmas Days” celebrated with either parent and alternated each year, particularly if the driving distance is very far. Some decide to take turns to have the children with themselves over Christmas or New Year. Plan, talk, ask what works best for everyone. It can be done.

It isn’t always easy but it needn’t be difficult either. A little bit of seasonal goodwill can go a long way and by both of you doing your best to try to reach an agreement that will suit everyone involved, then you, and your children, will benefit greatly.